


Cøda

by Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Series: The Evil {and Fluffy} Trio [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Autism Awareness, Autistic Breakdown, Autistic Kylo Ren, Autistic!Kylo, Breakdown Recovery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5712253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/Kylo%20Hux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snoke's mental outrages are enough to break Hux's mind down, but is anyone really aware of just how badly they temper to Kylo's own mind?</p><p> </p><p>  <em>Shit summary I don't know my brain isn't working after writing this. The beginning note is really much more of a summary.</em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>CONTENT WARNINGS FOR OTHER AUTISTICS // Please beware that some of this fiction may very well be triggering to your autism.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Cøda

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start flipping out and start pulling up crap and commenting shit, please just read this note for a moment.
> 
> I **know** that Kylo Ren is not autistic.
> 
> The reasoning behind this story is: I am autistic. I went shopping the other day, and some Star Wars fans (I assume they were fans, they were wearing Star Wars shirts and beanies) knew I was autistic and they sat there making fun of me, laughing at the bruises on my head from where I had my last break down. It sent me into another breakdown and I realised just how little people know about autism.
> 
> This is an attempt to help educate people on autism, on what it's like during breakdowns, on how hard it can be for us to let people in during and after a break down.  
> I wil be doing a follow up of Ren breaking down in much more detail, but right now, it's too harsh on my triggers - this is Hux trying to comprehend Ren breaking down, and helping him.
> 
> This is also how I deal with my own break downs so _please_ be careful with your comments if you think something is stupid etc.

Snoke was furious at the First Order’s failure.

Hux could feel it in the back of his mind, just as much as he knew Ren would hear it in his own; that deep booming voice was getting louder by the second, drowning out any single thought that Hux might have of his own and, so, the general slumped in his chair, allowing Snoke to destroy anything and everything in his mind.

The red hot anger his Master felt was sliding around his body, making him cringe, making him feel all too hot; the cold slimy feeling of dread combated it, however, mixing together and curling around his veins, making staying still all too impossible. However, Snoke wouldn’t let him move, wouldn’t let him do anything other than breathe and blink and Hux could only wait it out.

An hour passed; the clock on the wall opposite had been dictating the time to Hux’s unable-to-be-moved eyes – before Hux could shakily stand. It had been ten minutes since Snoke’s voice had stopped in his head, but it had taken Hux those ten minutes to compose himself, dig through his thoughts and _remember_ how to stand, how to walk.

He needed to find Ren, and they needed to make a new plan so that this wouldn’t happen again. He rearranged his uniform before he cleared his throat, boot heels clicking on the metal floors with each and every step. It was a soft rhythm in the general’s head, and he refused to let that rhythm miss a beat, slow, or quicken. The repeated order of each step was a solace in his recovering mind, and he found his thoughts slowly coming back to him, quicker than they usually would after such a powerful mental onslaught.

To further help his mental recovery, Hux counted each and every step he could. He paused a few times, making sure that he could keep the number he was on in his head – his memory always liked to play tricks on him after his mind was broken down. That much, he remembered when he realised he was about to knock on Ren’s door, only to find that he was in the Knight’s corridor _above_ Ren’s. Ren’s room was directly below this, and Hux scowled a little, making his way back downstairs, and onto the _correct_ floor.

Suspicions arose in him immediately when he saw a small group of three Knights outside of Ren’s door and he cleared his throat. “What outside doing Lor-” Hux grit his teeth and took a moment to find his memory on talking. “What are you... doing outside of... Lord Ren’s private chambers, gentlemen?”

The Knights of Ren had their own levels of security, had their own rules, and Hux knew that they weren’t forced to answer him, in fact, they didn’t need to pay any attention to the general at all; not if they didn’t want to.

So when they exchanged worried glances between Hux, the door to Ren’s room, and each other, panic began furling around Hux’s stomach. He waited for the Knights to head back to their respective rooms – _why are so many Knights watching his door?_ – Hux jammed his codes into the lock and let the security override open the door.

His first thought, when he walked in, was how dark the room was. The hissing sound of the locks clicking back into place behind him cut off the light from the corridor. Hux’s hand found the light switch and pressed it, only to jump when there was a barely suppressed scream.

“OFF!”

Hux’s fingers quickly flicked the switch once more; the room plummeted back into pure darkness.

The general hesitated before he began to slowly walk through the rooms he knew. Twice he walked into the same wall before he found the door to Ren’s bedroom. Twisting it open, he peered inside, only for the same blackness to echo through Hux’s retinas.

“Ren?”

A whimper came from around where his palette was situated and Hux frowned. _What the hell did Snoke do to him?_ Moving across the room, and taking great care not to step on Ren in the process, Hux groped around until he felt a sheet on the wall, covering the window. He shifted it around until a soft stream of light peeked around, and turned.

He could just about make out Ren, curled up in the corner. His back was to the wall, left side pressed tightly against the wall there, and his arms were looped around his legs, thighs pressed tightly into his chest. His forehead was rested on them and Ren’s unruly hair was falling around his face.

It fell in a way that Hux knew irritated Ren, but he didn’t make a single move to tuck it away or tie it up.

Upon further inspection, he saw the Knight was shaking – shaking worse than a ship did before it blew, and Hux had to take a soft breath.

“Ren.”

The young male didn’t move, didn’t make a noise – Hux wasn’t sure that he had been heard until Ren made a half-gesture with his hand, just enough to let Hux know he had been heard.

Hux moved across the room and slowly knelt down in front of the Knight. “Is the Master still in your head?”

A few seconds passed before Ren gave an obscene jolt of his head – a shake, _no_.

“Are you still building your mentality up?”

Shoulder shrug.

Hux reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder, only to be alarmed when Ren threw him back with the force.

“Ren, something’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong.”

No movement. No sound. _Nothing_.

Hux carefully made his way to his feet and glanced around, finally noticing the blooming dark stains on the wall, sliding down the metal. The substance pooled in small groups on the floor, and Hux shot to his feet, flipping the light on.

The glare of blood on metal hit him square in the face, before he saw Ren screech and try and get further into the corner, away from the light. Hux stared in shock – the Knight was sobbing and... _clawing at his face_?

“OFF! O F F!”

Hux turned it off quickly, breathing heavily.

 _Get out_.

It was a quiet thought in his head, but it was strong, as though Ren were daring Hux to disobey him.

The general turned quietly and waited in the antechambers.

xox

Kylo remained where he was, nails still slightly dug into his face, breathing harshly as he tried to calm his senses down from the onslaught they had received from the light. He was trying to remember how to breathe right, in and out... or was it out then in, and he couldn’t see.

His vision was static. Little grey and black squares fuzzing over his retinas. Everything was too loud – each step Hux took sounded like a small bomb going off in Kylo’s ears, the kettle boiling as the general made tea caused the Knight to groan a little, cover his ears and try to curl away from the noise.

He didn’t know how to be human. He didn’t know how to be a Sith.

 _I don’t know how to be **normal**_.

The tears that had been streaming down his face had stopped, but they came back with a vengeance, slipping down the dried tracks, mixing with the soft scratches on his face and inflicting a stinging pain all through his face. It hurt, and Ren wanted to move, wanted to wash the tears away, clean his scratch marks out but he _couldn’t_ move.

He opened his mouth to call out to Hux, to get the general to assist him to the bathroom, but he couldn’t get his vocal cords to work.

Slowly, he lowered his hands, wrapping them around his legs again, hugging himself, trying to get the intense fear coiling around his body to disappear.

His forehead was throbbing, battered and abused from where he had knelt and slammed his head repeatedly off the wall, trying to stop Snoke’s furious yelling in his head. He’d smacked it off a screw a few times, but it hadn’t stopped him, even when the blood dripping down his face burned in his eyes and ruined his shirt. Those wounds were congealing now, and Kylo knew they had to be treated and bound if he didn’t want infection, but he just couldn’t move.

For the first time since he had left the Jedi School, since he had joined the Knights of Ren, since he had started training to be a Sith... he wanted his Mother.

His Mother always knew what to do with a gentle and loving hand.

_What would she do what would she do what did she make me do?!_

Kylo couldn’t remember, and it took most of his energy to dig deep in his mind, into the memories that he had locked away.

Clinging to the strength the mental image of his mother gave him, he shakily stood, taking soft steps forward. He clung to the door of his room, letting it open.

Hux had left the lights off.

Good.

_G-General?_

The scrape of Hux’s chair on the floor echoed in Kylo’s hearing and he whimpered.

“How may I-”

 _Thoughts **only**_ .

It was all Kylo could handle.

 _How may I help you, Lord Ren?_ drifted through Kylo’s mind and he slumped in the door frame.

_Help me to the bathroom and then leave me in peace._

xox

Hux was forced to turn the light on to help Ren through the dark rooms; an action that Ren was not happy with. He noted how the Knight kept his eyes shut tightly, head turned away from the lights.

The state of the Knight’s forehead and face were worrying sights – the ones on his forehead were congealing, healing, but they were untreated; yet Ren had jerked away when Hux had mentioned them, demanding that Hux treat them later and only later.

That had been an hour and a half ago.

Ren was still in the shower, Hux could hear the water. It was more than likely a jet of cold water, washing over the Knight and Hux went to go and fetch him when he heard it shut off.

Ren stumbled getting out of the shower, and Hux was half-way to his feet when _don’t. I’m fine,_ echoed around his head.

The voice seemed much stronger now, much more... _Ren_ than it had before and Hux trained his eyes on the bathroom door.

After another twenty minutes, the door opened and Ren appeared. Hux heard the soft beeping of codes, and then Ren switched the bathroom light on. The door hissed to a stop behind him, not shutting fully, bathing the kitchen and living area in some weak light.

“Your foreh-”

Ren jerked away from the sudden noise and Hux fell silent.

 _Go grab the medical pack_ , was all Ren said before he disappeared from view to his room. _I trust you can perceive well in the dark, General_.

           _I trust no more lights are to be turned on?_

 _Your mind serves you well_.

Fifteen long minutes later, Ren finally stumbled out of his room, dressed in... attire that just didn’t suit him as a Sith, but suited him still.

He was in a hooded sweater, one that was so big it tumbled down past his knees. An old Jedi logo was on the fabric, just over Ren’s heart. Hux noted that he wasn’t wearing pants.

_Filthy old bastard, I’m wearing underwear._

_Merely making observations, Ren._

The younger male slowly crossed the room to sit opposite Hux, glancing at the medikit on the table beside them. Hux gently tugged the chair closer before indicating Ren to twist his face more to the light coming from the bathroom.

Wet hair stuck to his forehead and Hux winced as he moved it; Ren’s whine did something to his heart... what it was, he didn’t know. He focused on the medikit.

From the corner of his eyes, he watched Ren pull a thin, blue object out of his pocket, attached to some white earphones. He glanced at the object, before it shone to life in Ren’s hand as he pressed the button in the centre of a white wheel.

The Knight slowly pressed the earphone buds into his ears and then pushed the button again.

Hux could hear the piano music from where he was sitting and he watched Ren close his panic-striken eyes.

When they opened again, a few moments later, Hux saw they were more relaxed almost straight away.

_Thank you, General... I trust you won’t speak of this._

Hux shook his head, still focusing on looking at the wounds on Ren’s forehead, The skin around them was textured to bruise and Hux sighed a little, selecting a bacta-wipe to gently wipe around them.

He saw how Ren stiffened up.

_Ren-_

_Just hurry. I’m not one for physical contact like this. Or... ever, really_.

Hux nodded and finished wiping them as quickly as he could making sure it was still a thorough job.

_I need to stitch these._

No response. Hux watched him run his thumb over the wheel of the device, and the music got louder. His eyes closed and a sigh escaped Ren’s mouth.

Hux was as thorough and quick as he could be before sticking a soft gauze over the two offending slices in the Knight’s forehead.

_I’ll have someone come clear the blood-_

_No. I can do it._

Hux stood and packed away the rest of the medikit before he felt Ren’s gaze on him. He turned his head, staring at the Knight in the chair.

He seemed too small, as he pulled the hood up, curling up as best he could. He seemed too small, too vulnerable.

Hux wanted to wrap his arms around Ren and comfort him, tell him everything would be alright.

_Ren, what’s wrong with you?_

Tears welled up in Ren’s eyes and he looked away. _There’s **nothing** **wrong** with me. It’s just how I was born. It happens. When things are too loud... too overbearing, too bright. I just breakdown, I stop working I guess you could say. My uncle use to call it autism – it’s a thing on their planet. But there is **nothing** wrong with me_.

_I didn’t mean wrong in that way and I agree. If that is how you were born, there is nothing wrong._

Ren looked up with too-big round eyes at the general and he gave a weak smile.

 _I’ll see you tomorrow_.

Hux nodded and watched Ren disappear to his room.

xox

Curled up on his palette, Kylo tucked the blankets as tightly around himself as he could, breathing slowly. He kept his eyes closed, he kept his thoughts close to his mind. He was shaking from having Hux touch him so much, having to pull his skin tight here and there, having to wipe the wounds.

A shudder passed through Kylo and he curled up as much as he could. The song restarted for the seventh time, and Kylo let his eyes close.

Exhaustion was heavy in his mind, and Kylo gave in.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: the device is meant to be a blue iPod Nano
> 
> The song I use is called _[Coda](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjiWvWyvnUA)_ and the version I use to help myself calm down (and I used to name the fic) is the Criminal Minds version that Reid plays with the autistic child. This is the song Kylo is listening to at the end of the fiction, and when Hux bandages him up, for all those interested.
> 
> Follow up to come within the next few weeks.
> 
> Edit:
> 
> Thank you so much for having this fiction so widely accepted. I genuinely didn't think many people would read this but you have and a lot of you are telling me that it's helping you to understand autism a bit more and _thank you_. That is the whole intention of this fiction and it means so much that it's actually helping you guys to understand it a bit more.
> 
> It's definitely a lot more encouraging to write the next story for this.
> 
> <3 Thank you so much
> 
> Come request at me: i-look-so-good-in-blue.tumblr.com
> 
> [Requesting Guidelines](http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1so7foh)  
> Tumblr tag: kylo hux ao3


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